Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
