It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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