woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
