I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
