Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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