Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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