I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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