So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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