I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize