On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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