I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize