matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
