i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
