I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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