She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
