I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
