I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
