Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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