I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
