Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
