you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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