Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
