Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
