genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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