Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
