how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
