took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
