Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
