after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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