Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
