He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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