Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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