the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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