Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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