It was confusing and full of hummus
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
