How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
