Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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