A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She bit a glass in half.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
