today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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