I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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