At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize