also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
