Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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