im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Fuck appropriateness.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
