Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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