youre lurking in front of me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
