you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
