You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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