Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
