Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
