No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
