TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Boobs speak an international language.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
