Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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