im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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