He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
