remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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