the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
