So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
