And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My cat gives me a boner
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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