I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
