On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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