I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
